August Left

It was a windy day here today and the warmest it has been all week. I didn’t get out of the house though. I didn’t want to have to deal with the wind. Something I have been noticing lately is I don’t really have a motivation to leave my apartment unless I have to. I’m worried about that.

I had told myself I was going to try to get out the house and go on walks or do something simple that didn’t require me to spend anything. But now I find myself making excuses not to leave. Like a windy day. I probably need to take some time and reflect on what is keeping me from taking those steps to get out the door.

Today was just a rest day. I made sure to eat some big meals after not feeling good Monday. I did some push ups and moved a little bit so I wasn’t stagnant all day. I have been watching Breaking Bad all the way through. I’ve almost finished it. It’s something I’ve enjoyed putting on throughout the day, or before I go to work, or while I workout.

I look up to the character Hank. Not in his bravado, or his crass humor he uses to move himself through awkward or tense situations, but I respect his loyalty to seeing things through and trusting himself. He is a man that has shown he is reliable and dependable. The kind of man I want to be. He was met with adversity yet he continued to move forward towards truth. Even when he was scared or unsure.

I’ve been trying to ignore it, but I have been feeling the weight of loneliness. The last few weeks have been days and days of putting myself through the motions. I often wish I was with my brother and family spending time with them like I did at Christmas. I napped everyday while I was home. And I think it was because my nervous system could finally let it’s guard down. I felt safe.

While I have coworkers who I have spent time with outside of work, I still don’t have a social circle that is regular enough to fill that void. But I wonder if I should just learn to feel okay being alone first.

I have a meeting soon with one of my supervisors. It sounds like a yearly check in they do with everyone asking how it’s going, what could improve, what your plans are to advance yourself, and if there is anything they could do to help. I don’t know how that conversation is going to go. I think I’m going to leave as soon as my contract is up in June.

I don’t have any reason to stay here. Colorado is a bruise. And right now I feel it would be better for me to move somewhere else and see something new and work somewhere with another sign on bonus. But I obviously don’t want to share that in my meeting. We will see how it goes.

I hope my truck gets fixed soon. They quoted a month which is awful. I opted not to get a rental this week just to see how it goes. But that may change soon depending on the weather. But anyways, here is to another day gone in Colorado.

Thanks for reading.