August Left

It always takes some getting used to writing the date again after the new year comes around. I got a new year’s kiss last night and got to see some fireworks. I felt chosen when she asked me to share that with her. We both said I love you. It was a nice way to ring in 2026.

I bought her a gift yesterday. I dropped it off at her door in wrapping with a card while she was sleeping. It was a paint set. She had told me she used to paint a lot as a hobby but that she stopped because life got too busy. In my card I encouraged her to take the time to find that part of herself again, hopefully it will bring her some kind of peace.

I’ve thought a lot about the goals I have for myself in this new year. I really want to become a good man. One that people respect and look up to. I feel like everyone knows someone like that. A person who is a good role model and that people trust. I get tearful thinking about it. A strong person for others to lean on. Because right now I don’t feel strong at all.

After last night I know it’s very clear that I’m in a “situationship”. And everything I’ve read says to walk away and protect myself. While she gets all the comforts of a partner without the accountability of commitment, I am left wondering when and if it will ever be something more again.

It scares me. To lose her from my life. To think about moving on. I had these aspirations of becoming a father, buying a house, building a life. And those things are gone. The only part I still have in my life is the person I wanted to do those things with. And if I walk away, those things I wanted with her are gone forever.

Sometimes I wonder what she is thinking. She tells me she isn’t looking for anything right now, meaning other people. But as I’ve said before, how long does this go on? Until something more interesting shows up would be my guess. I’m just trying to take it one day at a time.

We’ll see if any plans are made this week to see each other. Thanks for reading.