August Left

Pick a post and scroll to the bottom to read.

Colorado
  • Headlights – 2/28/2026.
    Another weekend of work. This weekend doesn’t feel as heavy. I don’t know if that’s because the weather has been really nice this week or if I’m turning a corner. Regardless, I hope the weeks to come start to feel as steady as this one does. I saw my ex at work last night. We… Read more: Headlights – 2/28/2026.
  • Wander – 2/25/2026.
    It was a windy day here today and the warmest it has been all week. I didn’t get out of the house though. I didn’t want to have to deal with the wind. Something I have been noticing lately is I don’t really have a motivation to leave my apartment unless I have to. I’m… Read more: Wander – 2/25/2026.
  • Warm – 2/24/2026.
    I took my truck into the shop yesterday. Unfortunately, they gave me a quote that it might take upwards of a month to get the truck repaired. That really sucks. Especially this week since the weather is going to be in the mid 60s on all of my days off. Oh well. I got really… Read more: Warm – 2/24/2026.
  • Partition – 2/21/2026.
    Just about to head into my second shift of this week. My days off were slow. I didn’t do much other than some self care stuff like groceries and exercising. Someone hit my new truck in my parking garage. It damaged the front end and I have to take it in to get fixed. So… Read more: Partition – 2/21/2026.
  • Closure – 2/16/2026.
    Yesterday morning my ex approached me in the parking lot at work. I say approached, but she pulled up in her car and parked behind my truck. I just kind of sat there frozen, not knowing what she was doing or why. She got out and stood outside her car just looking at me sat… Read more: Closure – 2/16/2026.
  • Belief – 2/14/2026.
    Today sucks. I don’t really have much to say for this blog entry other than it’s been hard not to think of her today. I wonder if she has thought of me at all. I wonder if who ever this new person is has asked her to celebrate Valentine’s Day together. It all just makes… Read more: Belief – 2/14/2026.
  • Space – 2/13/2026.
    Time felt like it got away from me this week. It feels like I didn’t do much of anything but I was at least productive in the ways I said I would be. I pulled everything out of my closet. Put things away I need to stop looking at. Photos of her, of us. I… Read more: Space – 2/13/2026.
  • Cold – 2/8/2026.
    Well, it happened. I saw her at work. She helped bring some equipment up to my unit. It was quick. She dropped off what she brought up and left immediately. There was no eye contact, no lingering, just there and gone. And honestly it hurt. It just wrecks me that she has became so cold.… Read more: Cold – 2/8/2026.
  • Ache – 2/7/2026.
    Today has felt really heavy. I noticed my ex and I are working the same days again this week. For a moment I couldn’t understand why she would do that. She knows I work the weekends and I just assumed that she would schedule herself on days that didn’t line up with me. But I… Read more: Ache – 2/7/2026.
  • Repetition – 2/6/2026.
    I had another therapy appointment today. It’s been going well. Having another person to talk all this through with has been really helping. She occasionally asks me questions that challenge the why behind some of things that have happened. But I’m still having a hard time getting past feeling like she is just agreeing with… Read more: Repetition – 2/6/2026.
  • Dreams – 2/4/2026.
    I couldn’t sleep again last night. It took me forever to finally feel tired enough to close my eyes and when I did, I had a dream about my ex. We were back spending time with each other. She had just bought a house and wanted me to see it. She cut her hair. We… Read more: Dreams – 2/4/2026.
  • Listening – 2/2/2026.
    Done my days of work for the week. The last couple days just kind of blurred by but I really don’t mind. I was planning on staying up after my shift and trying to have a productive day but my lack of sleep has caught up to me. I ended up just eating, passing out… Read more: Listening – 2/2/2026.
  • Stoic – 2/1/2026.
    Last shift of the week tonight. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last week or so about how I’m going to get myself out of all these feelings. I need to take back control of my life in a lot of different ways. Overall I still feel so behind financially, I feel depressed… Read more: Stoic – 2/1/2026.
  • Steady – 1/31/2026.
    Another weekend of work. I wish I could say things have gotten a little easier but right now it all still feels the same. I noticed that we’re both working the entire weekend. Last night I had these feelings of expecting her to reach out like she always did when we worked the same days.… Read more: Steady – 1/31/2026.
  • Quality – 1/26/2026.
    Done my stretch of shifts again for the week. This weekend went pretty smoothly. It was definitely cold going into work every night but the shifts went by quickly. I have another therapy appointment on Thursday to talk about how I’ve been feeling and reassess how things are going. I still find myself thinking about… Read more: Quality – 1/26/2026.
  • Resting – 1/23/2026.
    I had my first therapy appointment yesterday with my new provider. We went through the situation with the breakup and fallout and I identified the main issues I’ve been having lately like insomnia and my almost nonexistent desire to do anything. It felt good to have a space to be able to open up honestly… Read more: Resting – 1/23/2026.
  • Fractured – 1/21/2026.
    I re-enrolled in therapy today. I know I need to get some help before the way I’m feeling gets any worse. It was a struggle to just get out of bed today and go get groceries. But I managed to go. I’m now having another sleepless night. I thought I made a little bit of… Read more: Fractured – 1/21/2026.
  • Rhythm – 1/19/2026.
    I’m done work for the week. I have a few days off now to try and relax. It snowed last night. Just enough to make the roads icy. This seems to always happen right before my days off. Just enough snow to make me second guess driving west to go see something new. I’m proud… Read more: Rhythm – 1/19/2026.
  • Protection – 1/18/2026.
    One more shift to get through tonight. I’ve been doing my best to make sure I’m eating and exercising before work. I get myself out of bed and make sure I eat breakfast, workout, and make myself dinner to take with me. I didn’t sleep well again today. I got woken up again because of… Read more: Protection – 1/18/2026.
  • Pondering – 1/17/2026.
    It’s so hard working night shift going through something like this. I find myself replaying everything over and over in my head every time there is even a little bit of down time. I keep trying to identify reasons why this could have happened. And I know I’m going to wear myself out because I… Read more: Pondering – 1/17/2026.
  • Easy – 1/16/2026.
    I can’t stop the flood of questions that continue to occupy my mind the last 48 hours. I’ve been up all night and can’t turn my brain off. It’s like my nervous system is hyper-vigilant thinking through the last couple weeks. Analyzing every moment, all the times things felt off, wondering if anything was ever… Read more: Easy – 1/16/2026.
  • Fallout – 1/15/2026.
    Today has felt so heavy. I’ve just been sitting in my apartment all day feeling the fallout of everything that just happened in the last 24 hours. I still can’t believe that it’s real. That all of this just happened. I called the mental health hotline last night. I just didn’t know who else to… Read more: Fallout – 1/15/2026.
  • Betrayal – 1/14/2026.
    This is probably the worst entry I hope I’ll ever put in this blog. I had written about how my ex wanted to see me earlier in the week and how I refused to see her with such small time constraints. If we were going to hangout it needed to be intentional, planned, and during… Read more: Betrayal – 1/14/2026.
  • Hanging On – 1/13/2026.
    Another smooth weekend at work in the books. I asked my manager again about the weekend contract to see if I could make more money, but she said they don’t have any positions for it right now. I told her to keep me updated and she agreed to do so. I hope something opens up… Read more: Hanging On – 1/13/2026.
  • Empty – 1/11/2026.
    I’m just about to head into my last shift of work this week. My shifts have been pretty good and I’m feeling a lot better. I’m looking forward to more rest on my days off. My ex called me today. She had just gotten back from being away for the weekend and wanted to just… Read more: Empty – 1/11/2026.
  • Setbacks – 1/9/2026.
    I just had the worst couple days. I made myself a chicken dinner the other night. Chicken, vegetables, rice. I got so sick afterwords. I usually have issues with my Crohn’s after I eat a large meal. I get this awful pressure in my abdomen. And I know it’s a small bowel obstruction. I’ve had… Read more: Setbacks – 1/9/2026.
  • Reciprocity – 1/7/2026.
    I saw my ex last night. She called me after she woke up mid-day and asked if I wanted to come over. I was about to leave the house anyways so I agreed to swing by her apartment. She wanted to hangout a little bit before she went to work. I made us both dinner,… Read more: Reciprocity – 1/7/2026.
  • Patience – 1/6/2026.
    I’m trying to have a restful day today. Getting some things done around my apartment like vacuuming and organizing my closet. It makes me happy having things tidy. Lately I’ve been feeling really good physically. I have been on a new medication regimen now for about 6 months and it finally has gotten my Crohn’s… Read more: Patience – 1/6/2026.
  • Time – 1/4/2026.
    I’m about to work my last shift for the week. I’ve felt exhausted lately. Not in a I could sleep for hours kind of way, but like I’m feeling apathetic to everything. I am worried I’m depressed. I have motivation to get up and do the basic chores in my life but really not much… Read more: Time – 1/4/2026.
  • The First Day – 01/01/2026.
    It always takes some getting used to writing the date again after the new year comes around. I got a new year’s kiss last night and got to see some fireworks. I felt chosen when she asked me to share that with her. We both said I love you. It was a nice way to… Read more: The First Day – 01/01/2026.
  • New Years Resolutions – 12/30/2025.
    It’s almost that time. The new year gets here in just a couple days. I don’t have to work New Year’s Eve so I can take the night to relax into 2026. I got back from Canada on the 27th. My parents actually drove me back instead of me flying. It’s always a long trip,… Read more: New Years Resolutions – 12/30/2025.
  • Reset – 12/24/2025.
    I’m home for the holidays. It’s been really nice to be around family and feel the familiarity of home again. I took care of some paperwork related to my visa while here and so that’s a big task that is off my to-do list for another couple years. I’ve had a chance to see one… Read more: Reset – 12/24/2025.
  • Finding Purpose – 12/20/2025.
    I fly home in two days. I’m really trying to focus on getting through the next two shifts then I’ll be off for a week. I work night shift, and nights are difficult. Most of the time they’re quiet and in the early hours it leaves a lot of time to think about things. I’ve… Read more: Finding Purpose – 12/20/2025.
  • Letting Go – 12/19/2025.
    The Christmas holidays are next week. I’m traveling back to see my family for a couple days and I’m really excited to see them. But the holidays are tough. I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I’m thinking about her a lot. It’s been 12 days since we last spoke to each other.… Read more: Letting Go – 12/19/2025.

Headlights – 2/28/2026.

Another weekend of work. This weekend doesn’t feel as heavy. I don’t know if that’s because the weather has been really nice this week or if I’m turning a corner. Regardless, I hope the weeks to come start to feel as steady as this one does.

I saw my ex at work last night. We walked by each other as I was coming back from the cafeteria. I looked at her, she looked at me. There was no held gaze, I just put my head down and kept walking by her. I didn’t look back.

I immediately felt heavy when I got back to my desk. In a way it just feels like I have to surrender now. I am doing what she wanted. Not engaging or interacting with her anymore in any way. I blocked her number yesterday. And after we walked by each other there was this wave that came over me, thinking she was going to reach out to say something but now couldn’t.

I didn’t waver. I kept her number blocked and let myself feel my emotions. The feeling slowly faded. I wondered if she felt anything walking by me. If she also had the same spike in adrenaline. I wish I could look at her for longer than a glance. I do miss her still, even with everything that happened. I loved her once.

I’m starting to take getting in shape seriously again. By the start of the new week I am going to start tracking my calories and exercise like I did before. The routine that helped me gain 30 pounds of muscle before I got sick and lost it all. But things are better now. Medication that is working for me and the time and discipline to do it all again.

I have a rental scheduled to pick up on Monday. I have been getting different answers from my insurance company and the auto body shop about when my truck will be fixed. So rental in the meantime in case it truly does take a month like the shop told me.

My days are still hard emotionally. I can’t really deny that. I am sleeping a little better, but nights at work are always filled with thinking. I am still really hurt by everything that happened.

But day by day things will get a little easier. I just have to keep going.

Thanks for reading.

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