August Left

I’m home for the holidays. It’s been really nice to be around family and feel the familiarity of home again. I took care of some paperwork related to my visa while here and so that’s a big task that is off my to-do list for another couple years. I’ve had a chance to see one of my older brothers, both of which I haven’t seen in some time. It was nice to hear they’re doing well.

Before I left, my ex reached out to me. She brought cookies to my unit at work and sent me a text asking if I wanted to go for a walk. This had been just over two weeks of no contact. I agreed and we walked and talked for a bit, we made plans to see each other the next night on the 21st. The night before I flew home. We went out and got drinks and she slept over at my apartment. Then she gave me a ride to the airport the next morning.

We had a pretty in depth conversation about our breakup. She told me that the deepest part of her hurting was because towards the end of everything she felt emotionally neglected by me. She felt like she had to shrink herself as a person because of how I was acting towards her and she didn’t want to feel like she was too much. I admit, during the worst points of my illness and the disagreements we were having with her exes and boundaries, I had very little patience left.

I didn’t have the energy to go out and be fun and explore with her anymore. I had no energy to be excited about much at all or engaged in making her feel wanted. My anger towards my illness and my life circumstances bled into our relationship and I didn’t make her feel emotionally safe anymore.

She also apologized to me about the lack of boundaries with her exes. She said she recognized that her not cutting them off didn’t make me feel chosen by her, and it drove me to feel unsure about her and I. Her apology meant a lot to me. She told me she is upset with how her friends and family now view our relationship, because of how things went during the final moments of our breakup.

In some ways, it sounded like she is still in love with the idea of us but to her there are things that still don’t make the relationship possible. She said she thinks I am bad with money, she said she is worried about me feeling sick again and how it made me act, she wonders if she’s the right person to support me during those times, and she is worried about being made to “feel small” again standing beside me as a partner.

I don’t think there is a quick fix for any of those things. I’m doing the best I can to stay healthy, exercising and keeping on top of my medication. I regret how I spoke to her, and I swear I will never let myself do that again. I’m not frivolous with money. I don’t go on trips often or buy materialistic things. It makes me laugh that she said that. She has been to New York, Maine, Las Vegas, and went on a solo ski trip all within the last 6 months. But I’m the big spender.

Regardless, all I can do is continue to show up honestly. We keep finding ourselves coming back to one another and I told her I think that’s significant. I’m so in love with her. She is the most vibrant, affectionate, and selfless person I’ve ever met. I sent her a bouquet of flowers for Christmas. We’ve talked on the phone everyday I’ve been here. I miss her and I’m excited to see her when I get back. But for now, I will enjoy the company of my family and relax for a few days more. Thanks for reading, and happy holidays.