August Left

I’m about to work my last shift for the week. I’ve felt exhausted lately. Not in a I could sleep for hours kind of way, but like I’m feeling apathetic to everything. I am worried I’m depressed. I have motivation to get up and do the basic chores in my life but really not much more than that.

My ex got a dog. She had been talking about it a lot when we were dating but this week she actually went through with it. She was calling me constantly the day she was at the shelter looking at them asking my opinion. It kind of confuses me why she wants to know what I think so badly.

I met up with her yesterday and spent the day hanging out and helping her with her new pet. She has been having a hard time with work lately. She is in a leadership role now and has been facing bullying, coworkers not listening to her instructions, telling her to “lighten up”, calling her inexperienced etc. This position has really worn her down in some ways. There has been a few times she has finished a shift and was brought to tears.

I think in someways this new dog will be really good for her. A new outlet to pour her energy into and her feel like she is getting something positive out of her hard work. I’m happy for her.

But I’m still here feeling the same way I have been. I feel like a broken record. We spent the day together going for walks holding hands, cuddling in front of the television, being affectionate with one another. She even called me her boyfriend over the phone when she was talking to the dog’s old foster family. I didn’t bring it up. But I wonder if she was just calling me that for simplicity of the conversation or if that’s how she truly feels.

I feel like I have to fight to spend time with her. It feels unbalanced that I am always making the effort and she is more passive. I honestly just need to see it for what it is. She calls me often, but it’s always when she is in the car driving somewhere and needs to fill the silence.

I don’t have any plans this week. I do have flight credit now since my parents drove me home from Canada and I didn’t use my ticket. Maybe I should use it to plan a solo trip somewhere. I need to push myself to create some kind of distance. I think I’m still trying to hang on to some kind of codependency that doesn’t exist.

I really just want all this to be over. I’m tired of feeling this way and always feel like I’m drowning. I can’t remember the last time I felt regulated. There are so many things I wish I could wake up tomorrow and were fixed.

I will keep trying though. Thanks for reading.