August Left

I saw my ex last night. She called me after she woke up mid-day and asked if I wanted to come over. I was about to leave the house anyways so I agreed to swing by her apartment. She wanted to hangout a little bit before she went to work. I made us both dinner, we spent some time with her dog and then she left for her shift.

We were texting a bit while she was on shift but I fell asleep. I sent her a text today just continuing the conversation we were having last night. And being transparent, I asked her if she wanted to be intimate and hangout this week but she told me she had plans the next two days and then was busy this weekend but offered to see me Friday. I work Friday night, and she knows that. I told her yesterday.

She then told me that it made her feel cheap that I asked to see her for intimacy and wasn’t going to agree to hangout with me if intimacy was the only reason I was asking. From her texts it seemed like she was upset. I got flustered and tried to explain that I didn’t ask to hangout just for that. I was being honest. I do miss her in that way but was asking to see if that was something she is still open to. We’ve slept together multiple times in the last couple months post breakup. She didn’t reply to my message.

And now I’m sitting her feeling stupid for even asking. And who knows when I will hear from her next. This is the problem with how all this is going. The whole thing feels so unbalanced. I want to spend more time together, and she has all these other plans. She controls when she sees me. I’m left feeling starved for more.

I need to quit letting this control me. I feel so hurt when I get told she is busy. I felt like spending time together last night for a couple hours was nice but I was just being squeezed into her schedule. I figured spending a whole day off together would be even better. No obligations, just taking it easy hanging out.

I think the problem is I’m expecting reciprocity. And I feel empty and rejected when I don’t get it. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I guess I am. That’s why we’re not dating anymore. She doesn’t have to choose me. I just feel like I try so hard to do nice things for her still and to be there for her. But has she done any of that for me? No.

My mind races with so many things. I’m alone in this state. She has all her friends and family she has come back to. I have work friends but I honestly just don’t have the mental energy to make plans and build on those relationships outside of work. I need hobbies to fill my time so I’m not so dependent on her being my source of fulfillment.

It’s so sad. I need to cut her out of my life. I just haven’t found the strength to do it. Thanks for reading.