August Left

I can’t stop the flood of questions that continue to occupy my mind the last 48 hours. I’ve been up all night and can’t turn my brain off. It’s like my nervous system is hyper-vigilant thinking through the last couple weeks. Analyzing every moment, all the times things felt off, wondering if anything was ever true.

I shrank my social media. I only follow my family on there now. My image is gone from the public eye. I just need to regain focus and dial back some of the noise coming from the outside world.

I managed to get out of bed and go get some groceries for my upcoming stretch of shifts. I need to make sure I eat. I certainly don’t have much of an appetite lately. God damn I am so hurt.

It’s so fucked up. All of it. I feel like I want to go crazy but at the same time barely have the motivation to leave my apartment. I still haven’t cried. I don’t know when it’s going to hit me but I hope it does soon. I need to let go of this.

I’m so thankful I started this blog when I did. I at least have a timeline of events proving I’m not crazy. That things just flipped overnight and I didn’t do anything wrong. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I was acting from ignorance and attachment. She chose not to communicate she was seeing someone new but also didn’t draw any appropriate boundaries to protect that. And with her communicating she still wanted to see me and even making plans with me, I assumed the boundary was still open.

So here we are. I wish the switch flips soon. I have so much to be mad at. So much I can never forgive. I wish for the heavy feelings of sadness and grief to be over.

Thanks for reading.