August Left

Another weekend of work. I wish I could say things have gotten a little easier but right now it all still feels the same. I noticed that we’re both working the entire weekend. Last night I had these feelings of expecting her to reach out like she always did when we worked the same days.

There was so much back and forth in our relationship I think it trained me to just expect to hear from her after a prolonged silence. It’s been just over 2 weeks since the confrontation.

I wonder what she has been thinking about lately. If she feels any kind of regret or sadness about the situation. Either how she treated me or how she ended things. Or maybe she is just completely distracted by this new person and she doesn’t care at all.

My sleep still hasn’t improved. I’m up until 3 or 4 in the morning on my off days and when I get home from working overnights I sleep in much later than I usually do. I’ve tried really hard to make sure I’m eating and exercising to keep myself healthy.

Therapy has been helping, I think. We talked about the relationship and how there was difficulties around her setting boundaries with exes, how she often gas lit or deflected when I talked about my feelings. I identified that I’m still bothered by how abrupt the ending was. How everything was okay that afternoon and that night it was all gone.

We talked about how I felt like I was a secure individual at the start of the relationship but as problems kept coming up and she would call me insecure, or gas light me when she wouldn’t take accountability for her actions, I slowly started becoming a more anxious person.

It was even hard to sit there and tell my therapist these things because in the back of my mind I was thinking to myself “She doesn’t actually agree with me, she is just telling me what I want to hear”. Which is damaging. But it’s a result of what Gabi did to me in the relationship. She always flipped things on me and made me the bad guy. I never had any validation for my feelings because nothing was ever her fault or her problem. It caused me to not believe in myself.

Hence why she called the police on me. Her lie was caught. She was exposed for lying to me, for looking for a fling before she had properly moved on from our relationship. She had to make the situation look like my fault. Like I am the bad guy. And no doubt that’s what she told all her friends. Some of which have blocked me.

She can’t even sit with herself for a moment. She had to move on and look for someone else to make her feel better, to distract herself. Fulfilling her avoidant personality.

I’m trying to heal. I’m doing my best to move on and fix the damage that was caused to myself from sitting in this relationship longer than I should have. I saw the signs early on but convinced myself it could be worked through together. I was very wrong. And now we will never speak again.

Thanks for reading.