August Left

Done my days of work for the week. The last couple days just kind of blurred by but I really don’t mind. I was planning on staying up after my shift and trying to have a productive day but my lack of sleep has caught up to me. I ended up just eating, passing out and waking up at 5 p.m.

Tonight I’m just going to try to read a couple chapters and probably watch a movie to try to wind down early so I have a chance to fall asleep at a decent time. My off days being up until 3 or 4 in the morning is not sustainable.

I talked to my mom again today about everything that has gone on. One of the biggest challenges I have now is believing in myself. I eluded to this in one of my previous posts, but my self image is so damaged from my ex. I have self doubt thinking I actually did something wrong or somehow messed something up. That it was me that caused all this.

Everyone I have talked to has reassured me that this situation was not about me doing anything wrong. It was about a person who wasn’t honest, and as a result it created massive fallout.

That’s one of the big things I need to address and work on in therapy. Getting back to feeling like it’s not my fault, that I didn’t do anything wrong. That I was asking for things that exist in normal healthy relationships. Honest communication, respect for one another’s boundaries, trust and transparency.

All of these things I had asked for but never got. Even up until the end I was lied to. And it makes me feel so sad. I can’t believe it ended up this way.

I wanted a family, a home, a long life with this person. And for a while she told me that’s what she wanted too. People can change their minds and that’s okay.

But she is not the right person for me anymore. She has made that clear.

Thanks for reading.