August Left

Time felt like it got away from me this week. It feels like I didn’t do much of anything but I was at least productive in the ways I said I would be. I pulled everything out of my closet. Put things away I need to stop looking at. Photos of her, of us.

I helped a friend the other day. He is moving into a new apartment and needed a hand picking up a new table. So I offered my truck and helped him pick it up. It made me feel good to do something nice for someone.

I had another therapy session this week. We talked about my continued grief with everything. I am stuck on the concept of erasure. This whole ending felt so dehumanizing. The way she treated me in the end. The absolute cut off. The finality of me never speaking to her again. It hurts.

My therapist’s suggestion was to start re-framing my negative thoughts. To not feel worthless or that I never meant anything. But to see it as it wasn’t within her capacity to be honest or treat me with respect.

It’s been over 3 weeks now. And I know the continued counting doesn’t help me move on. But eventually I’ll get to a point where a week going by will hurt less and less.

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. I have these stinging thoughts of her celebrating with the new person. Our anniversary would have been on the 20th of February. That certainly doesn’t make things any easier.

I have this framed photo of us from our first big trip together. We went to Sedona. I don’t know what to do with it. So I just put it away where I can’t see it. I wanted to go back, and that’s where I would have asked her marry me. It would have been a special call back to that amazing trip.

I wonder if she is going to think of me at all this weekend. Part of me hopes she does. Thanks for reading.