August Left

About to head into my last shift of the weekend tonight. It was nice working last night during the time change – it meant I worked an hour less than usual and I definitely noticed it when I got home and wasn’t immediately tired.

We had a snow day Friday and it covered most of Denver in a couple inches of snow. But the next day it was warm again. Now I’m looking out my window to sunny blue skies with no more snow in sight.

I had been keeping this a secret, but I bought a motorcycle at the beginning of February. It’s a blue 2006 Harley Davidson Super Glide custom. There was some titling issues so it took a while for that to get figured out, but I now have an appointment Tuesday to go get it registered and put in my name.

The last couple weeks I have been buying new parts, service fluids, and wrenching on it to get it ready for the warm weather when we have consistent riding conditions. I’m excited to finally have a bike and happy I can finally get out and start riding it soon.

I had a quarterly meeting with my supervisor on Saturday. It was a check in for them to touch base on I’ve been doing as an employee, my training trajectory for the unit, and a chance for me to ask them things if I felt like I needed anything from them. I had turned down doing any extra training again. I was honest and told them that given my personal situation (my ex, the breakup, which they were aware of), I didn’t feel like I was going to stay in Colorado.

I also shared that I didn’t feel like working in the intensive care unit is for me. I have worked in cardiac intensive care for 2 years trying to give it my best shot but I really don’t feel like it aligns with me. I came from 5 years in emergency medicine, being in leadership for 4 of those years, and that just felt more comfortable.

I’ve done some reflecting on what my next steps are for my career and I had wondered if I wanted to try teaching or being a clinical instructor. That way I could transition into a normal day schedule, and step away from direct bedside care. Maybe that would help with this burnout feeling I have been having. But I guess all of those thoughts are a little more into the future. My first steps are figuring out if I’m going to stay in Colorado or not.

Emotionally, things are feeling less and less heavy. I still think about my ex a lot and often am wondering how she is doing. I don’t think that caring component is going away as quickly as I would like it to. I miss a lot of parts of her. Like being able to spend time with her and her dog. I miss going on walks like we always did. I miss quiet nights we would spend together just watching a movie on her couch.

In my world now, she is just gone. And I think that erasure part is the part I’m still having the most difficult time accepting. It makes me ask myself, do I miss her or am I just lonely? And I think I can honestly say that I don’t mind being alone. I’m quite content filling my own time and having my hobbies. So I can say for sure that I miss the person I knew her as before all of this happened. All of the good parts that is.

There is a looming feeling that I have that she might try to reach out again. I have her number blocked and really the only way should would be able to do that is at work again. It’s weird how now I’m the person on edge about contact when before it was her, which is what prompted her to confront me in the parking lot a couple weeks ago.

Anyways. Nothing changes. I need to continue to keep living my life and focusing on myself. Sill eating well. Still exercising. Still moving forward.

Thanks for reading.