August Left

It’s currently 4 a.m. I got home from work yesterday morning with the intention of staying up for a while and enjoying some down time but ended up just falling asleep. I was awake for a bit in the afternoon, fell back asleep after some dinner and now I woke up a few hours ago, contemplating if I should even try to go back to sleep.

The time change definitely didn’t help with my sleep schedule. I didn’t feel exhausted yesterday but all the sleeping I’ve done says otherwise. Today I’m going to get my motorcycle registered. I have a service kit arriving today to do all the fluid changes on it and then I’ll take it out for a ride to see how it runs. I’m even going to go wash it.

It just kind of hit me how close June is. That was kind of my bench mark to decide if I’m staying or leaving Colorado. That’s when my contract is over. If I ask myself right now if I feel like I’m ready to leave, the answer is no. And I think that is coming from a financial/logistical standpoint. But also emotionally, the answer is also no.

It scares me in some ways. Leaving here means leaving my ex. And saying it out-loud it’s like, yeah, I am leaving my ex. That’s exactly what is supposed to happen. But it invokes feelings of sadness. There are still parts of me that miss her and leaving would make that hurt a lot more.

I caught myself lingering leaving work the other morning. Just taking my time walking out of the hospital. Not even to try to run into her. But maybe just to catch a glance of her driving away. To soothe the parts of me wondering how she is doing. She feels like such a stranger now.

But this is why leaving is the necessary next step. I can’t move on into the next parts of my life and continue to build who I’m going to be holding onto this part of Colorado. You know, I haven’t really cried hard about this whole thing, but thinking of leaving brings that feeling closest to the surface.

I miss my family. I miss those couple days I went home for Christmas and didn’t have to worry about anything. The feeling of just sitting around with everyone I love and feeling totally comfortable. The last couple years it just feels like I constantly have had to fight to keep my head above water.

Maybe that’s what I’ll do this week. I will start making my exit plan. My “moving on from Colorado” draft. Where I’m going, who I’ll will work for, when I will get there. A list can help ease some of this anxiety I have in my chest about the whole thing.

I’m going to make myself some coffee and wait around until the sun rises this morning. Sit and enjoy the quiet hours for a little while.

Thanks for reading.