August Left

Tonight is my last shift for this stretch. Work has been easy this week. Nothing too busy or complicated. At this point I don’t really mind the boring shifts. Sometimes it’s hard to feel stuck there for 12 hours but it’s something I have to do.

It snowed last night. Enough to cover the ground again. I was thinking this week was going to be really sunny and hot, the forecast was showing temperatures in the 80s, but now that we had some snow it cooled down the later part of this week a lot.

Life has felt pretty slow again the last couple days. While I have acknowledged June is fast approaching, at the same time if feels like I’m just going through my days in slow motion. I’m still anchored to all these feelings of grief and sadness I just can’t shake.

I don’t know how to get past this. Being at work and knowing my ex is there doesn’t help. For some reason this feeling of anticipation still plays in my head. Like I’m going to get a message from her at work or see her waiting by my car again when I walk out in the mornings.

It’s just the consequence of how back and forth things were at the very end of it all. I was so conditioned by this push/pull dynamic where I would ask for space and then hear from her again. Until she wanted to control the narrative and made the space permanent to support her version of the story.

I hate this. I’ve tried to do my best not being overtly angry or upset. I’ve kept it bottled in and tried to be composed talking about it to others or in therapy. Writing it down here trying to seem calm. But inside I am so upset.

I’m so angry with how I was treated. I’m so hurt by how I was disrespected. How I was lied to. How it feels like I was used for comfort until she felt like she had something new to distract herself with. I hate that she made the last 6 months feel like nothing. The nights we were intimate. The days spent together. That holding hands with her head on my shoulder while we sat on that park bench meant nothing. The “I love yous” that meant nothing.

I hate how I am sitting here feeling all of these things. Alone. Betrayed. Distraught. Thrown away. That I moved to this state for a future that no longer has any chance to exist. That all the people in her life that I once called friends now think I’m a bad person. That she involved our workplace and opportunities were taken away from me. That I have to park on that hill to avoid her.

I am so angry, but I’m also so very hurt.

Thanks for reading.