August Left

Readying up for the last shift of the week. This stretch has been good, I got floated to another unit Friday night which didn’t end up being too busy. It’s nice to get my float date out of the way with an easy day.

I’ve been brainstorming what I want to do this week on my days off. Last week I had gone to the lake, went to a couple different parks to get out and walk, and so I think I’ll try to pick another place to drive to and maybe grab some lunch while I’m out. Maybe I’ll try to fish again.

It’s going to be really sunny and warm again this week so I’ll probably take the bike out to get it washed and see how it’s running now that I’ve done pretty much all the required routine maintenance. I got the start of a pretty sweet tan from how much I was out last week too.

Other than that I still just feel like I’m going through the motions. One day just kind of rolls over into another. I wonder when it will start feeling less like I’m just moving through the days and start feeling more like I’m living them.

I’ve had these thoughts about if my ex will stay at this job or not. Technically her contract obligation is finished in March, as that’s when we both originally signed on last year. I was thinking maybe she figures she also doesn’t have a reason to stay and goes to travel or picks up another sign on bonus somewhere here in the area.

I just can’t shake these lingering feelings of attachment. That’s still my biggest hangup with moving on and letting all this stuff go. I think it’s just related to how the ending was so abrupt. How it felt like we were still so connected and spending so much time together only to discover I was being lied to. I sit and wonder if she thinks of me at all lately, having any thoughts of missing me or remorse.

I really miss the life with her I had last year. Spending the summer days together in our apartment, finishing work and then going kayaking on our days off, going out to dinner dates, walking around our apartment block at night when it cooled off. I miss sitting and watching our shows together on the couch. I miss holding her hand. I just miss her a lot.

I hope she has found what she was looking for, or at least feels like she is moving in the right direction now. It does just sting. All of the things we talked about doing like starting a family, buying a house together, settling down here in Colorado. And I just don’t fit into that version of her story anymore.

As much as this has really sucked, I will persevere. I’ll do my best to stay relaxed this week and spend my time off taking care of myself.

Thanks for reading.