August Left

I had an okay few days off this week. I didn’t get up to a whole lot. Mostly it was just forcing myself to get out of my apartment everyday and at least go get some sunshine.

There is a park near my apartment that I have been frequenting. Somewhere to take long walks or to sit and read. A place to go so I don’t just sit inside all day. The motivation to get out and go do things isn’t coming inherently yet so I have to make conscious effort to get myself up and moving.

I had a therapy session today. One of the topics we discussed was around friendships. A question I was asked is “what does friendship look like to you?”. I explained that my view of friendship is finding someone who you identify having a similar interest with, and you bond over that.

But I also explained that for me, friendships come with specific boundaries. There shouldn’t be any power dynamic, or any kind of romantic aspect to the friendship. One should never feel like they constantly have to overextend themselves. There is mutual effort on both sides.

We explored what friendships in my life look like. And I identified that over the last 10 years or so, I have found it hard to keep friends mostly because of moving every few years or life circumstances. I feel that proximity is one of the biggest factors that make friendships work. And since I’m usually not around very long in one place, I don’t invest the effort as much as I could.

I wasn’t saying that I don’t try to make friends. But I do acknowledge that it isn’t something that I look to expend my energy on, especially right now in yet another transition point in my life. I associate the ability to make friends very heavily with physical permanence. And I wonder if when I plant my roots somewhere if that will make me more ready to expend my extra energy into pursuing lasting friendships.

Having friends is something I really want. But I want to make sure the friends I keep are real ones. Quality over quantity. Finding people who see me as a person that they value to have in their life. The friendships I had through my last relationship are all gone. And that also adds to how this breakup has effected me.

I’m still thinking very hard about if I’m staying in Colorado or going back to New Mexico or just moving somewhere new. There is a lot to consider. The new job, the pay, housing market, ease of transition with me being on a visa, my insurance coverage for my Crohn’s medication, etc. I have been spending my downtime collecting as much information as I can to help me make an informed choice.

Emotionally, the rumination is still here. Wondering what she is feeling, thinking, doing. If she has flickers of remembering me and the good times we had together. I just need to remind myself that if she ever wants to talk to me again, she will. For right now, the silence says all it needs to.

I have identified a “summer anthem” for myself this year. It’s “Sweet Home” by Don Toliver. It just seems whenever the nice weather comes around I grab onto a song. And that song has been in the background on a lot of my day off drives.

Continuing forward, one day at a time.

Thanks for reading.