August Left

Getting ready for my last shift of the week tonight. Our census has been so low the last couple of days I actually got to stay home Friday night because they didn’t need me. I spent the night playing computer games with my brother, as that’s our only way to spend any time together living in different countries.

Today is a really hard day. I feel so shaken. In disbelief that all of this has happened. This week marks one year of when my ex and I moved to Colorado to start our new jobs. I remember moving into the new apartment and being so excited for all the new experiences we were going to have.

And now I sit here a year later and the person I loved so much is gone. She has done everything she can to make sure we never communicate moving forward and I feel completely discarded. She made sure I stayed around just long enough for her to find someone new and then once I found out she cut me out of her life forever.

I feel so alone. Everyday feels like such a struggle to try and figure out what the hell I’m going to do with my life. I’m having such a hard time accepting that she is gone. I want to be back on our couch watching our t.v show at our old apartment in Littleton and for everything to be like it was last year.

I don’t know how she was capable of doing this to me. Lying to me over and over again. I really thought she cared about me more than that. I hate her for what she did but that doesn’t change how much I miss her. She was my best friend.

It kills me to go to work, come home, sit in my apartment, force myself to go outside on my days off so I don’t just lay and rot only to have to wake up and do it over and over and over again week after week.

It makes me look back on everything and wonder where it went wrong. What happened that made her walk away from all of this? Moving back to Colorado was her dream. That’s all she talked about in New Mexico. She just wanted to be back with her friends and family. And I thought I was going to be a part of that.

It was all so good in New Mexico. We traveled a lot, went out to our favorite restaurants, the late night walks, our shows. When we got here, it just got better. It was the perfect set up to launch ourselves into the rest of our lives. I was debt free, we were supporting each other, she just had her student loans to chip away at and we would have been so far ahead by now.

As sad as I am, I know there is no changing what happened. She is gone. I am alone. I have to fight to get myself back on my feet and back to a place where I don’t feel so miserable. Everyday is just so fucking hard.

Thanks for reading.