August Left

I can’t believe it’s April already. The weeks are moving by so fast this year. I think it feels that way because my days aren’t really being lived right now, I’m just getting through them.

It has been raining here. The weather has cooled off and so I haven’t had the motivation to get out and do much. I’ve been staying inside and catching up on sleep, watching a lot of YouTube and thinking more about the months to come.

I’m really uncertain about everything. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what is going to be best for me in the long run. I have been looking at jobs in New Mexico, and some postings here in Colorado. I should look in a couple other states just to get an idea of what else is out there.

I have residual guilt from this relationship not working out. My family has seen me suffer so much from the aftermath of all of this. I moved all my stuff back to Canada last year in May just for my ex to call and ask me to come back to try again, and so I moved right back. It was thousands of dollars spent doing so. Then in July when she left, I paid thousands more in termination fees for our old apartment.

I don’t want to disappoint anyone else. And I really don’t want to disappoint myself again. Money is really the number one priority right now. I just need to make sure I get my finances all back to normal. I have to get all of that stabilized and then I’m sure all of this won’t feel as difficult.

Wherever I go, I need to look for a sizeable sign on bonus to help me get a head start. So far I’m only seeing those in Colorado. But again, I will see what else is out there.

I have to mentally prepare myself for the challenges to come. Any path I choose is going to come with its own set of difficulties and I need to make sure I have the resilience to face them.

I really miss her. I had dreams about her last night. We were just living our normal life, or at least what it would have looked like if none of this ever happened. We were just existing and making the best of living here in Colorado. Accomplishing all the things I had hoped we would.

I lapsed and was looking at all our old photos the other day. All of our trips, the pictures of us relaxing at home, and the pictures of the diamond ring she tried on. The one I would have bought her this year. I would have proposed in Sedona, where we took our first trip.

I wonder what she did with that Agate ring I bought her. She wore it all the time. It was for her birth month. It’s as green as her eyes.

It makes me cry thinking about it. I know how much she loved that ring.

Thanks for reading.