August Left

I’m really happy that I started this blog. Even though it’s mostly been a tool for me to process this challenging time in my life, it’s nice to be able to go back and read and reflect where my thoughts have been over the last five months.

I had an interview today for one of the jobs I had applied to. It was at a small ten bed facility. Even though I probably won’t be accepting this position because of timing, it was good to go through a formal interview again and hone my conversational skills.

I’m just waiting for the recruiter to send me the official offer details so I can see numbers. I’m hoping to be offered at least $3-$5 more dollars than my current base pay. While the money is not the main intention of switching jobs again, increasing my wage is still really important in the end.

It felt empowering walking out of the interview. But there were reminders that change can be difficult. As I was stuck in traffic for nearly 40 minutes trying to drive back 15 miles home. I will be moving closer to wherever I find work, because damn I haven’t dealt with traffic in years. But now if I work closer to Denver, I won’t be able to avoid it.

I had a therapy appointment today, as I do every Thursday. We talked about this weird feeling I got posting a picture of my motorcycle on my Instagram story this week. After I found out my ex had been lying to me and the fallout that happened afterwords, I shrunk my social media. I removed myself from following everyone who wasn’t family or close friends. I didn’t want to be seen.

And when I went to post the photo it felt exposing in a way. I didn’t want to come off as performative or compensating. I didn’t know how people were going to interpret it. I also wondered if some of her friends who were still following me were going to share it with my ex and give her some kind of insight into my life.

I ultimately posted it deciding that I didn’t want to shrink myself just because I was worried about what people were going to think. I told my therapist I think this whole situation created a kind of wound in me. I’m so troubled that I’m seen as the bad guy, the narrative she has created and undoubtedly told her friends and family.

I explained that there is still lingering rumination tied to feelings of erasure. I’m still so hurt by the way she has treated me. I saw her the other day at work. She brought a patient up to my unit. And it again puzzled me as to why she would do something that brings her back into my orbit. She didn’t need to be the one to bring the patient up, but she did so anyways.

I’m stuck on trying to interpret why she does the things that she does, and I think that’s delaying my ability to let go. I know badly she wants this fantasized life she used to talk so much to me about. The one we planned to have together. She wants to be a mother, have her beautiful family, and to live an exceptionally happy life.

But I don’t know why she keeps doing things to fuck it up. Even hearing about some of the things that went down in her life before our relationship confuses the hell out of me. She is a smart girl and I can’t understand why she makes the decisions she does. I thought things were going to be different. We would have had it made. We did have it made when we moved here last March. Things were so set up for our success because we made the move to make it happen.

I still care about her too much to just say fuck it. I don’t have it in me yet to just wake up tomorrow and forget about her. Even after all she has done to me. Is that stupidity? naivety? I know I’m not either of those things. I was just in love and still haven’t fallen completely out of it yet.

All I know is that I’m going to give myself an exceptionally happy life. I really wish she would tag along and do it with me, but she has made her choices. All I can do is keep moving forward.

I really appreciate this quote; “If you want something you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done”.

Thanks for reading. And here is a picture of the bike.