August Left

Tonight is the third of four shifts this weekend. It hasn’t been going so bad but it is feeling off of my usual groove. I’ve just been making sure to keep myself hydrated and sleep as much as I feel like so I don’t get too run down.

The forecast is still predicting the possibility of snow and rain this week which sucks. I feel like I’ll just be stuck inside again hiding out from the cold. I really wanted to try and do something rather than staying in all week but I guess it is what it is.

I downloaded a dating app last week. I really don’t know if I’m 100% committed to using it but I wanted to see what kind of feelings it provoked going through the motions of talking to new people and maybe going on a date.

I have someone that is interested in setting up a time to meet up and get to know each other but as I get closer to setting plans this weird feeling comes up in my chest.

I don’t know how my ex did it. I don’t know how she felt ready to see someone else while still seeing me like she was. I still feel attached to her in a way. Like going out on a date with another woman feels like I would be betraying the relationship we had.

And I know that’s crazy to say given everything that has happened, but I think my mind was so focused on being with her long-term and carrying out all our future plans I have no desire or want for anyone else.

I go back and forth between letting myself go through with this and holding myself back not feeling ready. I wouldn’t want to get involved with someone knowing I wasn’t able to give myself to them completely. But maybe that’s just part of the process?

I’m not good at this. I haven’t had many casual or semi-serious relationships. I don’t feel equipped to date around. Maybe it’s just a skill I haven’t developed yet but it just doesn’t feel genuine to me.

I’ll take some more time to think about it as this new person told me they are busy during the week so nothing has to be decided immediately.

This sucks. This whole thing really messed my life up in more ways than one. I’m just picking up a thousand tiny little pieces of myself and figuring out where the hell they’re supposed to go.

I have some overlapping shifts this weekend so I guess we’ll see if she attempts any kind of reach out. Like I had said before, I won’t be the one to do it. I checked in on her, got it out of my system. And now we’re back to before. She can decided if she wants to approach me again.

I have a therapy session this week so I guess I’ll bring all of these feelings up and try to figure out how I can navigate them.

Thanks for reading.