August Left

I have quite the update from my last post. My ex reached out to me again. At 1 in the morning on Monday while we were both on shift she followed up about the coworker she had asked me about a week prior. Asking if I had heard back as she told me I should reach out.

I told her no, that I decided I wasn’t going to get involved. There wasn’t a whole lot I had to say to them anyways. I thought it was going to end there but she kept texting me. She asked how I was, sent me pictures of her life over the past couple months, caught me up on everything she felt like I should know.

It was like we were back to normal again. She felt inviting, open, willing to engage in a way I haven’t felt from her since before the incident in January. I reciprocated, but carefully. I was matching her energy but not giving too much as I didn’t know where this was going.

We texted all night long and into the morning. I told her I was getting breakfast in the cafeteria. She joined me. We sat and talked. She was flirty, warm, smiling at me the way she used to. Asked me all about my motorcycle and why I waived her off weeks prior. I told her I didn’t know how to react to her coming up and talking to me. That engaging with her goes against everything I’ve been told she wanted.

We walked out to the garage to look at my bike and I asked her if she was still with this new guy. And she said yes. It stopped me in my tracks. I told her then we shouldn’t be doing this. She protested. Told me that he knows of our interactions and trusts her judgement. I told her that didn’t really matter. And it wasn’t fair to me that she is doing this given everything that has happened.

She walked away asking me to get on my bike as she wanted to see me ride. That she feels tied to this new part of my identity. I told her no and waited for her leave. When I got home she called me. We had a four hour long phone call. She apologized. For the first time months. She said she was sorry for how everything happened.

She said she missed me. She talked specifically about how I just understand her world, how I know her so well. That I just seem to have both feet firmly planted on the ground. That I am still the most intelligent, well spoken, and emotionally aware person she has ever dated.

She talked about how she misses me sexually. That for the entire month of March she craved me everyday and talked to her close coworker about how hard it was missing me like that. She said I was the best sexual partner she has ever had. That I just knew her body and that our chemistry worked so well together. That I just understood what she needed and how that kind of thing can’t be taught.

She brought up some early, intimate moments in our relationship. Which made it very clear she still carries those moments deeply. The phone call turned into phone sex. We were reading off old text messages between us of times we were describing what we wanted to do to each other or reflecting after a night of intimacy and the things we enjoyed about it. When we hung up she texted me that she is “fucking obsessed” with me.

All of this just showed me how alive the bond between us still is. She texted me after we woke up and said that she has never dealt with a breakup this extreme. That she feels validated by hearing the things she has experienced missing me has also been felt by and understood my me. She admitted she has done a lot of things wrong. But said she doesn’t want to continue to hurt me or prolong it.

But. Even after all of that, it seems she is still choosing to move forward with this new person. And for me, the apology has lifted a weight off my chest. I at least in that moment felt a little bit respected by her telling me she is sorry. I hope that is enough to help me move past this. Or at least a start.

I don’t know what kind of space I will occupy in her life now. Her birthday is coming up in 12 days. She won’t get a text from me. But I wonder if I end up hearing from her in some ways in the future. This all has been one wild ride.

Thanks for reading.