August Left

I did something. And I’m still not sure how to feel about it. As I was walking in to work on Sunday, I saw my ex drive up in her car. And rather than just continue walking, I waited for her. When she saw me standing there I looked at her and asked if she was okay.

She didn’t say anything to me, instead just walked by me and carried on walking into work. I didn’t chase or continue walking beside her. I shrugged it off and kept walking to my unit. But I unblocked her number right in that moment. I don’t know why, but I just had a feeling it would provoke something in her and I knew she would reach out. And sure enough, she texted me.

I went back and forth with myself wondering why I decided to do that. There was a part of me that has been wondering how she has been doing, as I talked about before. But that weekend there was a lot going on at work. A couple patient situations that I know were traumatic, and I wanted to make sure she was okay emotionally.

She texted me and said she was okay, and asked for clarification about the other day when I waived her off and didn’t want to talk to her. I told her she caught me off guard. I thought the conversation would end there but it continued. She texted me for a couple hours asking about work and asking about my motorcycle. There were flirtatious vibes to the conversation from her.

We stopped texting around 2300 that night. I figured that would be the end of things. I wasn’t expecting to continue talking, just relieved to hear she was doing fine after everything. Then she texted me in the morning after our shift. Just a few more exchanges about an old coworker and her Dad’s birthday. She eventually signed off saying “see you around”.

I have been reflecting on that conversation and how it felt. Things felt normal, they didn’t feel like she was cold or trying to cut me off. Which in itself is confusing given how she ended things in January. I wonder if she is somehow looking for me to have a space in her life again.

I have mixed feelings about talking to her. I had been struggling the last couple weeks with wondering how she was doing and I guess in the moment just acted on seeing her before work. I’m glad she is doing well but at the same time don’t want to have ruined my own healing by giving into that interaction and carrying it on over text.

Regardless. It will be interesting to see if anything more happens from here. If she reaches out on her own to follow up about our coworker, if she sees me at work again and wants to speak more, I have no idea.

I won’t reach again. Not over text, and I won’t try to manufacture anymore run ins. At this point I think she now knows that there is a line that I have opened again and if she wants to talk to me more, she can. At that point it will be up to me to decided if it’s an interaction I want to have with her.

Until then, I will carry on getting my life back on track.

Thanks for reading.