August Left

Man, it has been a while. I don’t really know how posting on this blog consistently got away from me but it’s been almost two weeks. Honestly I think I have just been feeling really stuck lately. My life keeps moving forward but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere.

Since my last post about my ex approaching me in the parking garage, it caused a lot of anxiety. I really got stuck thinking about it a lot. Wondering why she would try to talk to me, if some of the other things I’ve noticed fit this pattern of her still trying to orbit in my life. This feeling is miserable.

I saw her at work last night. It was quick, she just brought someone up to my unit. She dyed her hair. She has blonde highlights now. I think they look really nice and I wish I could tell her that. But I have to keep taking this space. She looked uncomfortable coming up to my unit. I wonder if she feels judged by my coworkers, if she wonders if they know what she did to me. I know people talk.

I have had feelings of regret not talking to her in the parking garage, wondering if that was her way of trying to come back into my life and I shut her down and missed it.

I wonder if she is still seeing this new guy. If it’s all working out and she is happy. I hope she is. I want her to find this happy life she has been chasing the last few years.

It was her Dad’s birthday recently. I used to text him to wish him a good day. I miss her family. It’s going to be her birthday soon and as much as I would like to buy her flowers, I know I can’t.

In terms of my personal life, things are just kind of rolling by. I got job offers from some of the applications I sent out but of course had to turn them down for now just with the timing of everything. I can’t leave this current job until the end of June. My lease is up in October. But leaving this job with be the best thing for moving forward. I know I at least have options.

I’m trying so hard to stay focused on getting my own shit figured out. The hurt of all of this is fading slowly, mostly just turning to sadness. I’m doing my best to find things in my life to give me happiness and inspire me to get out of this depression I’ve been living in the last few months.

But it has been hard. Just keeping my head above water in a lot of ways.

I miss you a lot Gabi. And I’m not afraid to admit that. I forgive you for what you did to me. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I love you.

Thanks for reading.