August Left

It seems like the warm weather is finally starting to stick here in Colorado. The last couple of days have been sunny and warm, ones that really inspire me to actually get out of the house and try to go do things during my down time.

However, I scheduled myself to work some overtime in the coming weeks. With this tentative job switch I’m really just trying to make a little extra money while I still work in a place that is familiar and close by. The goal of the summer is to get back on track financially and maybe my life won’t feel like it has gotten so far away from me.

I got a text from my ex yesterday. Yet again another reach out. Which I want to say I’m surprised given about a week ago after she talked to me it sounded like she was pulling herself back again, but at this point I can’t call it anything but a pattern.

She had sent me a message thanking me. Talking about how I have had a big impact on her career so far, how supportive I have been giving her guidance and advice, a shoulder to cry on, and shaping her perspective while always explaining things that she didn’t understand in a way that didn’t make her feel judged.

She reiterated how I am one of the smartest people she has ever met, not just in our profession but in life in general. She said she hopes I’m enjoying my days off.

I read it and just wondered why. Why would she send me this text after apologizing the last time we talked about our continued interaction? She has admitted she is still very attached me, but it seems she can’t help herself but keep the attachment alive in some way or another.

I just sit here and reflect on all the positive, “green flag” qualities she has talked about me having during our last few conversations and it just makes me even more confused about why she doesn’t feel like she can choose me and commit to me 100%.

I simply thanked her and left it alone. I didn’t open up any more conversation and she didn’t push for more.

I wish I had a crystal ball I could look into and see how all of this ends. I tend to over romanticize things and this just feels like to me if she is so into me still and keeps coming back, then it sounds like maybe she just needs to figure it out and give us another chance.

The only problem is, I have forgiven what has been done to me, but I don’t think anyone in my life, or hers for that matter, would think that us together again would be even remotely a good idea. Not to mention the amount of work she would have to do to rebuild trust, fix her own bad habits, etc.

She said verbatim in her text last week “I’m fucking obsessed with you”. And maybe I just need to treat this for what it is. An obsession. Not really sure if that’s the healthiest of things to be around.

Thanks for reading.