August Left

It’s my last shift of the weekend tonight. The last couple of days we have been working shorthanded and tonight seems like it’s going to be the same. My managers were sending out messages asking for people to come in and help. I don’t blame people for not wanting to be at work any more than they need to.

I should have a pretty straightforward night as long as a bunch of extra work doesn’t get dumped on me because of short staffing. It would be nice to kind of just coast through my last day of work this week.

The weather here has been cold and there has been rain in the forecast. I rode my motorcycle to work Friday but took the truck yesterday and will probably do so again today.

I know I always wish for nice days on my days off but I still struggle to find the motivation to get out and do things. I at least try to go to the park and sit in the sun and read but anything outside of a quick trip down the road I get frozen and never go through with it.

I think I have feelings of depression, or at least burnout, that are still lingering. It’s daunting to see how active and on the go a lot of my coworkers are and it makes me really reflect and wonder why I just can’t seem to get to that point of outgoing-ness.

That’s honestly a topic that I’ve reflected on a lot the last couple years. I turn 30 years old in August and I compare myself to those around my age. They are going out to bars or clubs, dance music festivals, ski parties, etc. And none of that appeals to me. I just don’t get the attraction people have to doing those kinds of things.

It hurts my self esteem sometimes thinking I’m just too different from other people I try to be around and it makes me wonder if I will ever find and establish a friend group. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life but it’s something I have absolutely struggled with.

God this is all so difficult. I am really struggling as of lately. I talked yesterday about how I was worried I missed some sort of sign from my ex that she wanted to be friendly again and it’s all I’ve been thinking about.

I was okay for a little while but the last couple days she is all I have been thinking about. I wonder if she okay, I wonder how her life going, I wonder if she misses me, I wonder if she thinks about me day to day. I miss doing things with her and I miss the life we were living here in Colorado before she left me.

I don’t mind being alone but it’s so painful sometimes. Especially when I’m met with monotony of this day to day life I’ve been living the last few months.

Thanks for reading.