August Left

I can’t sleep. It’s just after midnight and I can’t turn my brain off. I finished work Monday morning and fell right asleep when I got home. I was up for a bit in the afternoon but then went right back to bed after I ate some lunch. I underestimated how tired I was after working this weekend.

And now I’m awake. I’ve been sitting up watching some short-film projects from random creators on Youtube. A lot of them are focused on finding purpose in life, slowing down, being present, appreciating the things you have in front of you, not over analyzing the future, etc.

I think that says a lot about where my mind is at lately. It’s really all I can think about. What is next for me? Where do I go from here? I had said in my last post it kind of feels like I’m spinning and I don’t know in what direction I need to let myself go.

It’s this weird catch 22, if that’s even the right way to describe it. I have a million paths I can walk down, and what a privilege it is to have the freedom of choice. But at the same time I think I am holding onto a fear of making the wrong one.

It feels like I messed so many things up the last year. That I let this relationship drag me down way too far. I lost a lot of time and money trying to keep something going that I should have let go of way sooner.

And now I’m trying to rebuild. In a lot more ways than just trying to make more money. I know it sounds really cliché. But I have to figure out who I am again. I know I want a house. I know I want a family to share it with. A partner who I admire and someone I can share my passions with, and them share their passions with me. Find things we enjoy together and feel safe knowing there is someone there who we can rely on.

Being transparent it made me cry to type out that paragraph. It makes me cry to think about these lingering feelings of betrayal and being lied to by someone I thought I trusted enough to share those things with. But I know that all just comes with moving through this next chapter of figuring out all this shit out.

I know it’s going to take some time. But I hope to get to a place again where I don’t have any anxiety about what tomorrow brings. That it’s just another day and I welcome it rather than dreading it. That a new day means new opportunity and not another 24 hours of worrying what is going to go wrong next.

I still plan on going camping this week. Following through on taking a day to slow down and hope that maybe sitting alone with a fishing pole and a light breeze will make the world feel a little less heavy, even for just a couple hours.

I’m not going to try to force myself to go back to sleep. I think I’ll just sit and rest more and try to watch a movie. Today will be an easy day. Maybe when the sun comes up I’ll go get a breakfast sandwich and eat it at the park.

Thanks for reading.