August Left

I’ve noticed that I’ve been slower and slower to come back to this blog. I wonder if that’s because things are actually getting better for me emotionally or I just have less to say about it all now.

Since my last update I blocked my ex’s number again. This time for good. After she had sent me that thank you text about how I have influenced her career, the next day we had a text conversation about how her parents had come to visit her. I’ll admit, this conversation was prompted by me this time. I had been wondering how her Dad was doing given his health problems and reached out to ask.

The conversation turned into her telling me about how her parents had come to visit her for her birthday a week early and how they spent time out here in Colorado doing a whole bunch of celebrating. Her Dad is in good health, and she has a lot of travel plans coming up, including some with her Mom to tour the Pacific Coast Highway.

At the end of the conversation it had come out that her parents had met this new guy. And I don’t know why, but that flipped some kind of switch in me. The one I had been waiting for this whole time to finally feel completely detached from her.

Once she mentioned the introduction, I told her things were sounding serious and that it wasn’t appropriate to send me texts anymore, especially lengthy ones expressing how grateful she is for me. And I blocked her.

And since then I have finally felt like I have let go. I don’t know why it took hearing that to make me detach, but it did me a favor. I’ve really left it all alone since then. I haven’t found myself ruminating on her anymore or what she is doing or thinking. It was her birthday yesterday and I didn’t spend the day wondering what she was up to or how she was celebrating it. I didn’t reach out to wish her well. I kept her number blocked.

And lately I’ve actually been able to go on a couple dates. I started talking to someone. And initially I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about all of that. But I told myself I at least needed to try it. So far it has been going well. I’ve seen this new person three times. She is very nice and it’s been refreshing getting to know someone new.

I think I was holding myself back for so long trying to talk to someone new because I felt like I had all of these problems to work on. That I was a big problem in my last relationship and I had a duty to fix all of these issues before I was going to try and give myself to someone new. But on these last couple dates I realized that it wasn’t me that was making my relationship as stressful as it felt. It was a partner that didn’t have the capacity to hold what I needed them to.

So now it’s only a matter of time. Just keeping myself moving forward and trying to get my life back on track after this nightmare of a year. I had a coworker tell me at work that my ex was talked to by her management and was asked to stop doing her leadership role because she wasn’t being a helpful team player. That would be a huge blow to her ego if that’s true and it makes me wonder if she decides to quit after this. Taking this leadership position was a big part of her identity at work.

If she leaves, I may decide to stay at this job. A lot of the people I work with have expressed they don’t want me to leave. And really I don’t want to leave either, but it would get me out of this awkward situation of having to see my ex constantly at work.

I still have a month or so to think it over.

Until then, thanks for reading.