August Left

The rain showed up. It’s thundering and lightening outside my apartment as I type. I had plans to go on a motorcycle ride with a friend from work tomorrow so we will see how wet everything is tomorrow when I wake up.

I didn’t get up to as much as I’d hoped I would this week. I went to the park today and sat and listened to music in an attempt to at least get myself out of the apartment for a moment. It’s been hot out and I am really stubborn about using my air conditioning so my apartment is sometimes insufferable.

At least tomorrow if the ride still happens I’ll be able to get out and enjoy the weather on the bike and see some new places with a friend.

I’ve been reflecting a lot and I have recognized I am starting to move into that phase right before you do something where you feel fear. And sometimes that fear leads to paralysis or stagnation. I’m having those feelings about quitting this job and moving to somewhere new.

I guess I just am remembering all the problems I went through when I moved here and had that initial hiccup getting started and all the problems being out of work caused me. But hopefully it’s less of an issue since my license is all sorted now. And I guess the difference now is I have somewhere I am pivoting to.

Growing up is so weird. I’ve been having these feeling more and more the last couple months of really just looking inward about who I am becoming and what my life feels like right now. I even asked my mother about it, but of course when she was around my age now, I was being born. Her life looked a lot different. She was in full blown parenthood.

On one hand there is an incredible sense of freedom. On the other, that freedom is terrifying. And honestly, I am so scared of making the wrong choices because of how bad the last year has felt. I have hated the feeling of clawing my way back to normal when I moved here in such good standing.

I will try my very best not to let myself make a mistake like this again. I also recognize that this protectiveness I’ve developed about myself can also be hindering to allowing myself to open up to anyone again. Softening those parts of myself up is something I am actively working on.

Life is so whimsical. While also being extremely punishing and unforgiving. I’ll keep figuring it out.

Thanks for reading.