August Left

It’s been another slow couple of days off. I went to the lake today and spent some time on the water in my kayak. I felt guilty sitting inside when it was clear skies and 90 degrees outside. So I packed up and headed 20 minutes south to get some sunshine.

It was really calming to sit on the water and people watch. I think if the weather is nice again tomorrow I’ll find a new place to go sit and spend some time. But when I got home my mind got racing again so I thought I would try to put these thoughts I’ve been having here to think through them.

I feel anxious. And I think that anxiety is coming from feeling like something should be happening. Like I should be moving forward in a certain direction towards something. Because honestly, right now it doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere and I think that’s what’s bothering me.

As it stands I could just stay at this job and work for the next year or two and nothing would change. I would continue to keep making money at my job, spending my off days riding my motorcycle, going on the occasional hike or paddle on my kayak, and that would be it.

But why does that feel like it’s not enough? I don’t remember feeling this way when I was in my relationship. And maybe that’s because I was actively doing a lot more than I am now. I was new to the ICU learning new things, planning on moving to Colorado with my ex, all while taking trips as often as we could go see or experience something new on our off days. I had a direction. It was to keep building my life together with the person I was dating, and getting here to Colorado was step 1 of forever.

Now, that direction I was following is gone. Being here alone I do what I can to keep myself busy. I go out and see new things, build my hobbies. But for what? Am I living a life I enjoy? Right now, honestly the answer is no. I don’t find joy in figuring out what to do with myself everyday. I don’t find joy being at the place I currently work at. I don’t find joy in not knowing what is next.

How do I get over this feeling? It sounds so strange to not be happy having nothing to worry about. I’m set. It’s other people’s dream to just work a few days a week and have all this free time to do whatever they want on their days off. To not have to worry about anything at all. That’s the position I’m in. I have all these open doors and no pressure to walk through any of them, but just sitting here doing nothing is making me feel awful.

So now comes the question, what do I want? Well I want to go back to last March. Freshly moved to Colorado. Zero debt. A shared apartment with the person I had been dating for 1.5 years. About to start the same job. Working towards a house and starting a family. Feeling like I belonged somewhere. And we all know that will never happen. So what is second on that list of “what do I want?”. I have no idea.

Is this a phenomenon something everyone experiences in their life? You see it all the time on social media. Call it whatever you want. The loneliness epidemic, quarter-life breakdown, identity crisis, personal rebranding. How do people dig themselves out of this somber state of mind?

What do I have to do to make myself feel like I have something going for me again? I hold bitterness that my ex lied to me and jumped straight into another relationship while she was still involved with me and using me for emotional regulation. And I’ve done everything I can to stay out of knowing anything about what is happening in her life. But it’s hard to sit here and believe things aren’t going a lot better for her being with someone new and experiencing the feelings of limerence all over again.

I’ve not forgiven. And I don’t think I will until I feel like I’m out of this pit. I will keep trying to build my life. To get myself to a point where I feel at least somewhat comfortable sitting still. But until then I guess I just keep moving forward.

I started painting. Or trying to at least. I bought any acrylic paint set and some canvas. Something else to dull this feeling of anxiety. Maybe it’s a metaphor, of me trying to bring some color into my life again.

Thanks for reading.