August Left

Done my stretch of three and all my orientation for my new job. Things have gone really well the last couple weeks. I’ve got the workflow and processes down after only a day or two of being shown what to do and I feel ready to get set into a groove and work the rest of this contract through.

I’ve said it before but I can’t wait to get paid and start getting my finances back to where I want them. Get rid of this last little bit of debt that I have hanging around, build back up my savings, and keep adding to my retirement accounts.

I’m also excited to have a little bit of freedom. The last year or so I feel like other than my motorcycle, I haven’t really been able to buy anything fun or extra for myself. I’ve bought new clothes once in almost a year and a half and it was only a couple shirts. I took that time off in August which I guess you could call a vacation, but I didn’t go anywhere. I used to travel a lot when I lived in New Mexico.

I wouldn’t call it life changing money that I’m expected to make over the next 12 weeks. But for my situation right now it’s going to give me the chance for a complete turn around.

I’ve been reflecting over the last week or so about what the heck I’m going to do with myself. It made me wonder what other people think about when they have down time. Because lately all I think about when I have still moments is “what the hell am I doing?”.

Here in Colorado as the summer is winding down there has been all of these outdoor events, music festivals, parties, concerts, etc. And for whatever reason, I’m not drawn to any of those things. I see so many other people my age out participating in all these events and it really doesn’t appeal to me.

In a way it makes me feel like I don’t belong. Like I don’t fit in here at all. And then that makes me feel really unsure about the possibility of meeting people that have the same interest as me, which makes everything else feel more isolating. It’s not a good spiral to put myself into. I have different priorities I guess. A lot of which just involve making sure I’m taking care of myself and my future.

There is a song I relate to a lot that I find myself listening to lately, and ironically it’s called “Thinking Too Much” by Joshua Slone. The song is about introspective overthinking, second guessing the future, and struggling when life doesn’t go according to plan. To quote the song “Maybe that’s the problem, I think of other people way too much, or when I think I’m just not thinking hard enough”.

I wonder if it’s just an age thing. If I’m at the point in my life where I start reflecting on all of these things because the choices I make now have more of an impact on what the next 5,10,15 years will look like.

I keep telling myself to just keep going. Get through another day. And I tell myself that over and over and over again. But man, I’ve started to feel really tired. Like I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water for so long. I hope soon it feels like I can float again.

I’m off for 5 days. Which gives me plenty of time to rest and take things easy. Today I’m having a slow Sunday, taking in the nostalgia I start to feel when the summer ends and the fall colors start to show.

Thanks for reading.