August Left

I’m currently in the middle of my work week. I’m just about to head in for a night shift tonight. Last night was pretty slow, which I never complain about. I tend to be the kind of person that takes those nights as a win, even thought it makes the night feel long.

I’ve been starting to plan my trip home for the holidays. I intended to take the entire month of December off to spend time with my family. Especially since my brother and father will have 2 weeks off around Christmas time. It would be really nice to be able to relax and spend my time at home.

I got in contact with recruiters a couple days ago and am waiting to hear from them regarding any positions available in the new year. If I can get something pinned down, that will at least make me feel a little better about going home for an extended period knowing I will having something to come back to.

My days off have been really lax. I’ve been trying my best to just do whatever I feel like doing and keep myself as low stress as possible. Whether that’s spending time with friends or playing computer games with my brother, or even just sitting in my apartment staring at my phone. I’ve been trying to not let the existential dread creep in. It’s really been bothering me lately.

I started seeing someone kind of regularly. We’ve gone out a couple of times and I do like spending time with her. But to be honest I don’t feel any kind of grandiose emotion around it all, but I’m trying not to overthink why. I don’t want to create some sort of weird pressure or expectation in my head and am kind of just going with the flow.

I think it just ties back into this feeling of not knowing what the fuck I’m doing. Is there a purpose to spending time with this person? I enjoy her company and it’s nice to make a connection with someone. But there is this guilt in the back of my mind where I feel like if I’m not 100% into it, or not picturing the rest of my life with this person, I’m just wasting her time. Maybe that’s an unhealthy manifestation of everything that has gone on in the last year. Like I have this burned in image in my head of what I thought my future was going to look like.

I wonder how long it will take me to crawl out of this pit I’ve been existing in. I moved jobs, started making more money, have been trying to stack the small wins but it still doesn’t feel like I’ve moved an inch. Or at least it hasn’t created any kind of recognizable change in my eyes. How disappointing.

I find myself listening to songs of longing and missing what was. This song called “Are We Ever Gonna Work Out, Baby?” by Joshua Sloan has been on in the background of my life for the last couple weeks. It has just been the perfect summary of exactly how I have been feeling since this fucked up breakup happened.

So I guess I don’t know if it’s a mindset thing or what. I’ve been trying to keep looking forward. Trying to keep myself moving with the little momentum I’ve created for myself. But I just feel like Sisyphus and the boulder that just won’t roll up the hill.

Who knows. One day at a time I guess.

Thanks for reading.