I just finished two days of onboarding at my new job. It was just like any other first day at a new facility. A lot of sitting and listening to hospital leaders talk about how great the organization is, what to expect working for their company, and of course all the relevant clinical information needed for my new role at this job.
They were long days of sitting in a windowless room listening to people talk for 8 hours, but in a way I appreciate the way these days make life feel like it’s slowed down a little. I got up early, went to orientation, drove home around 1600, and then got to make myself dinner and unwind. Just like everyone else I know who works a 9-5 job.
Tomorrow I get to spend the day at home completing all my required online training before going into my actual job location Thursday for another tour and to get familiar with where I will be spending the next 13 weeks. I’m hoping I get my schedule soon so I have an expectation of what my work/life balance will look like over the next couple months.
Fortunately I was able to get one more treatment sent to me before my health insurance from my last job was stopped. So now I have another month to figure out how to get my monthly injections covered. It gets a little complicated now with this job not having benefits like a full-time position would normally give me. But the pay affords me the ability to pay for private insurance if I decide to go that route.
I do have to remind myself that I need to have another job lined up well before this contract ends. Even though I plan to take time off at the end of the year, I don’t want to be panicking last minute trying to find more work once I get back from the holidays.
Other than that, things are just moving on. I keep having reoccurring dreams of my ex though. Which is strange for me because I almost never have dreams. The one I had last night was kind of like how things are now. Still living in the same city and having some kind of proximity to her still.
In my dream I kept re-visiting the same place over and over. It was almost like this mural that had images and things all over it that represented her. Every time I went back to it though, it looked a little different each time. Becoming more and more unfamiliar.
Until finally at the end of my dream I was standing there looking at the mural like I did several times before, but this time she was there with me. Her hair was a little different, she was wearing clothes I had never seen on her before, and she even had an iPhone. Which was strange because she has always used Android phones.
I don’t remember what she said to me. But we had a short conversation before I woke up.
And I guess that’s just how I’ve been feeling now. After 3 months of not talking to her or seeing her around at work, it’s just like the mural. Enough has probably changed in her life where I really don’t her know her that well anymore. And honestly that still brings up feelings of sadness.
I don’t know why. I keep thinking back to everything that happened and feel like I should just be so angry. And that the anger I have should be the prevailing emotion. The one that gets me to just push her out of my mind and write her off as someone who doesn’t deserve to have me in her life anymore. Ever.
I try to give myself grace allowing myself to grieve everything that has gone on. But it’s exhausting. I don’t really want to think of this anymore. It still hurts. So many things have changed because of what happened. I had to shift the entire direction my life was going. And right now it still doesn’t feel like that has been a good thing.
Hopefully soon I start seeing the benefits of all the processing and change I’ve gone through the last year. But damn I still have so many feelings.
The plan for the rest of the week is to just take it slow. Ride my motorcycle, enjoy the last little bit of a “break” I get before I actually starting working my shifts at this new job. Get some sunshine before the Fall sets in entirely. So again, as my mantra has been the last year, one day at a time.
Thanks for reading.
Leave a Reply